I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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