ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
No...this little piggys going to the bar
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
