I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
