the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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