You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
