Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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