You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
