There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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