Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i jhust puked up my retainher.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
