Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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