Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
