I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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