3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
