My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
