After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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