Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
