Swine flu. Run for my life!
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
