i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i love accidental penises.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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