Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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