Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
