you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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