I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
