I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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