oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You are a genius and a whore.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
