She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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