I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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