Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
