If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
