Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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