I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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