How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
