the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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