Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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