So drunk, too bad you don't want this
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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