quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
