i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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