when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
