i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
