Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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