your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
