Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
