At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
