My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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