This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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