i don't like sucking hair
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He told me they were just razor bumps!
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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