i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
