woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
