That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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