apparently the secret to your success is patron
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just want to make out with him forever
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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