I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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