Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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