I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
