So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Randomize
