If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
