im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
