there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
