My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
