Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
